In the beginning God created heaven and
Steve Guttenberg, and God saw that it was good,
so He let Steve take care of the rest. And Steve said,
“Let there be light,” and there was light, and Steve said,
“Let there be Police Academies,” and there were
six sequels. And then, in a moment of true
genius, Steve said, “Let there be Tom Selleck and Ted
Danson,” and there were Three Men and a Baby.
And Steve saw that it was good. It was so, so good.
And God was pleased, and all was right with the world.
But then Steve said, “Let there be High Spirits,” and,
“Let there be It Takes Two,” and finally, for some
strange reason, “Let there be Zeus and Roxanne, about
a dog and a dolphin who become best friends,
wouldn’t that be so cool? Guys? God? Anybody?”
And it was not good. It was not good at all.
(I know because I saw it in theatres when
I was eleven; even then I knew it sucked.)
So then Steve said, “Let there be Dancing with the Stars,”
but by that point God had stopped listening long
long, ago, and Steve was on his own. Maybe he
should have considered a job in publishing;
I hear Gutenberg is a good name for that.