Tag Archives: Feast of the Immaculate Conception

Cougar Lessons

from Haikougar by Brian P. McGackin

Cougar seduction
is not to be attempted
by the weekend flirt.

A strong commitment
is necessary to bag
a fine specimen.

Wingmen, normally
helpful, are discourage, since
they scare away prey.

The first step is to
determine the hunting grounds
in your area.

Once you’ve discovered
your cougar den, be patient:
wait for the right one.

And by “the right one”
I mean the hottest bitch you
can possibly find.

Age, intelligence,
nationality—none of
that dumb shit matters.

Ann Coulter is a
right-wing conservative nut,
but I’d still do her.

You must put away
these trivial thoughts if you
want to cougar hunt.

If you HAVE to know
her age, ask her where she was
when Kennedy died.

Hopefully she says,
“I was just a baby then,”
or “Wasn’t born yet.”

Teri Hatcher is
the perfect cougar: still hot,
born in ’64.

She’s just old enough
to be labeled a cougar,
but still looks damn good.

The older they are
the hotter they have to be
(or don’t tell your friends).

A cougar over
sixty is fine, as long as
she’s Helen Mirren.

Otherwise, don’t waste
your time, ‘cus seriously,
that’s fucking gross, man.