Tag Archives: God

Gangplank

In the beginning, there was God, and He
was a big pervert or something, telling
Adam to walk around naked while He
watched from His God perch. And when that wasn’t
enough for him to get His rocks off on
anymore, He turned Adam into a
girl and watched while she walked around naked,
and it wasn’t until they caught the creep,
when they had their mouths around his apples,
that they understood that maybe what He
was doing was not okay, and they made
like a banana and split, and God got
so angry that He gave us Internet
and cruise ships and other mild distractions.

Crucifix

I’m reading Dracula and finding flaws
in the logic of religions: 1) If
each belief is the One True Way, why do
writers bother with new fictional gods?
2) Did Jesus ever jerk off as a teen?
3) Is there an exact constant speed at which
Mohamed flies, Mary rises, or the
angels fighting Satan dutifully
march off to their not war to never die?
4) Does it make a difference to vampires
which communion wafers one chooses to
sterilize consecrated ground, or would
Eastern Orthodox work just as well as
Baptist, Mormon, Seventh-Day Adventist?

Icons

And why shouldn’t we worship the golden
objects that attract us? The Poetic
Example Number One and Poetic
Example Number Two? (Insert what works
for you: the perfect words of a preferred
author; the perfect curves of a foreign
sports car; the perfect taste of a well made
bakery item; the perfect all of
the above of your objectified love,
body splayed, role played, prayed to and for and
with all your heart.) Why shouldn’t we worship
the transient, the fake names and labels
we create to define experience?
And why shouldn’t my idols be godly?

Tree House

I had a dream last night, so that’s where this
poem’s going in case you’d like to get
off now. I was reading a book in a
bar with Italian football fans, drinking
a Moretti, trying to finish the
final chapter wherein Female Hero
Whatever Her Dream Name Was needed to
get back to her tree house before the gods
unmade the world, and everywhere she went
the gods were feeling angry, and the gods
were in the woods, and the gods were in the
water, and the gods were shooting footage
for their website as they shattered the world,
and I trembled at the last of pages.

Sombrero

This poem is going to be a list
of things I think about often and wish
myself and others discussed more freely:
death, God, god, the absence of God, likely
scientific Heaven alternatives,
chaos/randomness, possibilities
involving life being the only real
chaotic factor in the universe,
race, immigration, not giving a fuck
about either, gays, marriage, gay marriage,
being decent to other humans, not
limiting being decent to humans,
socialism, non-capitalism,
sex, comfort, breaking norms, and poetry.

Godless

Simon cannot close his eyes any more. He has spent the last three days trying to hide himself in slumber, smothering his face beneath the sheets, but his damned and dying flesh has now rested far too long. On the second day he tried to suffocate himself with a pillow, and as the phosphenes of asphyxiation flooded into sight, he thought he saw the hand of Christ beckoning his body. But as Simon reached out to grab His hand, he was forced to face the truth that he was left alive, doomed by Christ to never die, to never find His kingdom.

He had come again in glory to judge the living and the dead. And Simon had been deemed unworthy. And so he has been sitting in his own shit for three whole days, a pestilential penance for the double life that he had led, the lies he’d told his lover, and the loss that he’d been dealt.

Simon sees the streaks of sunlight sneaking in through the slits of his blinds.  He shifts his torso to try to get a peek behind the shades without leaving Maggie’s side in their bed. That is to say, where she was before the Rapture. As he moves he hears the squish of the urine-soaked mattress. The liquid sound sends a signal to his brain that his body needs water, needs food, needs some kind of nourishment. But he’s too afraid to move, to see the flames beyond the window as the Devil lays waste to the land. Simon can’t remember what happens after Revelations, and he’s terrified to find out. Even worse, he’s afraid of nothing at all. That God has left, and with Him has gone order, the structure of things, and now there is no one left to make the world happen.

“Ding-dong, motherfucker!” the mob outside screams. “God is dead, you assholes! We fucking won!” Their chanting is set to the thick rhythmic bass tones of a pop song blasting from a large subwoofer. Before he infiltrated the church, Simon would have been out there celebrating with them. Now he’s not sure what to celebrate. Did they win the war, that legion of sinners outside? The Conservative Christian literalists they’d railed against for so long were finally gone, leaving the rest of the world free to revel in debauchery. But the Rapture was real, and those hate-mongering zealots who were God’s chosen followers had been whisked away to live with Him in Heaven. A never-ending gift in return for their devout service: a land without sin, without sinners, without suffering.

But Simon still wonders who has truly won: those who were right, or those who are left? And which side does that leave him on?

Then he hears a window smash somewhere on the compound. Then another, then another, then another on the ground of the house, followed by the sucking sound of flames filling up the space. Simon feels the heat begin to rise from underneath.

The Book of Sega Genesis

On the 8th Day, God created the Internet. He looked to it and saw that it was good. Adam & Eve were delighted — they finally had something to waste their time on while they were wasting their time in Eden.

Then one day while Eve was poking around the Internet on her Apple device looking for more videos of cats when she stumbled upon a link to a news article. A snake appeared in the grass beside her and hissed, “Ssssssssssscroll down.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, not having seen a talking snake before.

“Passssssssssst the article. Sssssssssscroll to the bottom of the page.”

And so she did. But Eve was still confused. “Okay, but now what I do?”

“Sssssssssssimple,” the snake responded. “Read the commentssssss. All the ssssssssssssecrets of the world will yoursssss if you jusssssst read the commentsssssss.”

And thus was borne original sin. And then Adam came by and said “First!”