Tag Archives: Queen Elizabeth II

How to Be a Superhero***

Be too skinny for the army.
Don’t worry about cosmic rays.
Go to high school, field trips optional.
Be Canadian.
Be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
Find a superhero, preferably dying, take their ring/mantle/cowl.
Sign up for government testing.
Have a friend who doesn’t worry about cosmic rays.
Hunt vampires.
Wait for a parent/uncle/spouse to die, feel bad.
Be abducted by extratemporal guardians of some kind.
Grow up in a mystical city, on a magical mountain, or somewhere in the future.
Jump out a second-story window into a vat of toxic chemicals.
Have a boyfriend who doesn’t worry about cosmic rays.
Hit puberty, accidentally blow something up/impale someone/creep out foster parents with newly discovered mutant abilities, feel bad.
Turn into some kind of plant, deliberately or accidentally.
Step in the path of radioactive substances as they tumble from a moving vehicle.
Control the weather.
Scout locations for a massive, world-devouring cosmic entity to satisfy his hunger, feel bad.
Shoot vaguely defined energy beams from arbitrary body parts, preferably the hands or eyes.
Be a duck.
Talk to a white horse-man alien, preferably dying, take his powers.
Have a sister who has a boyfriend who doesn’t worry about cosmic rays.
Be born/raised/mind-controlled by supervillains, feel bad.
Build a suit of armor, technological or other.
Have a sibling/cousin/parent/significant other/random acquaintance/complete stranger that is a superhero, become superhero with similar name.
Be incredibly wealthy, choose any or all of the above.

***Contest! How many of these can you recognize? Post in the comments section!

God Save the Queen

To Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of Great Britain, Ireland, Antigua and Barbuda, the Commonwealth of the Bahamas, Barbados, Belize, Canada, Grenada, Jamaica, Saint Christopher and Nevis, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Australia, New Zealand, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Tuvalu Queen, Defender of the Faith, Duchess of Edinburgh, Countess of Merioneth, Baroness Greenwich, Duke of Lancaster, Lord of Mann, Duke of Normandy, Sovereign of the Most Honourable Order of the Bath, Sovereign of the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, Sovereign of the Most Illustrious Order of Saint Patrick, Sovereign of the Most Distinguished Order of Saint Michael and Saint George, Sovereign of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, Sovereign of the Distinguished Service Order, Sovereign of the Imperial Service Order, Sovereign of the Most Exalted Order of the Star of India, Sovereign of the Most Eminent Order of the Indian Empire, Sovereign of the Order of British India, Sovereign of the Indian Order of Merit, Sovereign of the Order of Burma, Sovereign of the Royal Order of Victoria and Albert, Sovereign of the Royal Family Order of King Edward VII, Sovereign of the Order of Mercy, Sovereign of the Order of Merit, Sovereign of the Order of the Companions of Honour, Sovereign of the Royal Victorian Order, Sovereign of the Most Venerable Order of the Hospital of St John of Jerusalem, Sovereign of the Order of Canada, Sovereign of the Order of Australia, Sovereign of the Order of New Zealand, Sovereign of the Order of Barbados, Sovereign of the Order of Valour, Sovereign of the Order of Military Merit, Sovereign of the Order of Merit of the Police Forces, Sovereign of the Queen’s Service Order, Sovereign of the New Zealand Order of Merit, Sovereign of the Order of St. Andrew, Sovereign of the Order of Logohu, Sovereign of the Order of the Star of Melanesia, Supreme Governor of the Church of England, Paramount Chief of Fiji, I heretofore wish to extend a most Glorious and Happy Birthday (!), on the occasion of the celebration of the four score and third anniversary of the day of your birth to Prince Albert, Duke of York—later George the Sixth, of etc. King, etc.—and his wife, Elizabeth—later the Queen, later still the Queen Mother, who lived an exceptionally long life—, this the twenty-first day of April, being also the eleventy-first day of the year, in the year of our Lord MMIX.

Furthermore, I would like to say you rock, and I think you’re way cooler than that little nancy boy Charles, so hopefully you live for a wicked long time, so William can just take the crown right from you.

Yours most assuredly,

B. P. McGackin, future Knight Grand Cross of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire (please?)