To staff, board members and shareholders of Wonka
Industries, LLC: I need not tell you that the chocolate
business is a rewarding one. From the Oompa Loompa
team of chemists and confectioners to the factory
adminstrative staff, we’re one sweet family. “Charlie,”
I tell myself, “why the heck would you ever retire
from the greatest job on earth?” But yet retirement
has been on my mind of late. As you know, Wonka
himself handed the reins to a boy. That boy, Charlie
Bucket, would grow this company from its chocolate
entrepreneurial beginnings to the conglomerate factory
system that is the standard of excellence. Oompa Loompas
have played a large part in this growth. Oompa Loompas
pride themselves on their work ethic; they do not retire.
I have marvelled at their productivity. Truly, the factory
cannot overstate its indebtedness to them. Wonka
was built on the backs of these rotund men with chocolate
in their very veins. They often told me: “Mister Charlie -
“you’re the best boss in the world. We love Mister Charlie.”
I chuckled at this. When I took over, these Oompa Loompas
were my very first teachers in this business of chocolate.
So devoted! Working ever endlessly, never ones to retire
come nightfall. I had been warned about this. Wonka
told me, “Bucket, these men owe their lives to the factory.”
Years ago, he rescued these indigents and the factory
has been their home ever since. He said to me, “Charlie,
they’ve got nowhere else to go.” I replied, “Mr. Wonka,
you have my word that I will ensure that the Oompa Loompas’
job security is guaranteed.” But now they want retirement
benefits. They want an ever-growing piece of the chocolate
pie. In these increasingly health-conscious times, chocolate
is challenging. We have cut costs, used soy, slashed factory
budgets and implemented staff-wide furloughs. Retirement?
If I may be irreverently self-referential here: Sorry, Charlie.
The hidden threat of the unionization of the Oompa Loompas
rends the richly embroidered, tightly woven fabric of Wonka.
In short, there is no retirement here. The chocolate will
flow like the blood of Wonka. The legacy of his factory
remains with me, Charlie, not some upstart Oompa Loompas.